Today rather than twisting myself into a pretzel trying to figure out which of my actions are right and which are wrong or will I hurt someone’s feelings or let someone down or do something stupid. I’m just giving myself permission to be myself. That’s it. Just me.
Trust my own feelings and my needs. Act from my own beliefs and not what I think I should do based on everyone else’s opinions or needs. I’m a good person. If I make mistakes (whatever the hell that really means) it’s ok. Lord knows I’ll make ‘em anyway. Might as well ease up on trying so hard not to. It’s a lot of work and I’m exhausted!
Funny thing is that Pretzel People like me usually find out that what we thought was so big and potentially horrendous was no big deal in the first place. Most of the people in our lives don’t even notice the change when we stop pretzeling - other than maybe noticing we aren’t so frazzled all the time.
And now…following that moving train of thought…just sent these lyrics to someone and decided they were worth sharing since they’re bouncing around in my head anyway:
Someone opened up a closet doorAnd out stepped Johnny B GoodePlaying guitarLike a-ringin’ a bellAnd lookin’ like he should.
Why? If you want the answer here it is:It starts off with parents making us understand many thousand times that if we were just - not this (what we are) but more that (what they would like us to be) then they would love us. Eventually that parent gets right inside and hey presto we don’t need them any more we can do it ourselves because we have them inside us - for life - saying: ‘THIS is not O. K. If only you… ‘Magic isn’t it?And you know the really really smart thing?: what they did to us - a few years later we do right back to our own kids.
Living life as a pretzel is not the way to go. I tend to live the complete opposite but that is also no way to live. There has to be a happy medium in life and I believe it begins with find yourself. I am in the process of a life altering process myself you can watch my journey at
Its about self-growth brutal honesty and taking things with a bit of humor. Did I mention I am cuting dating sex and booze out of my life for 45 days? You have break yourself down before you can build back up.
Your blog of today reminded me of something I have hanging on my wall that’s called The Gestalt Prayer. I think you’ll like it:
I do my thingAnd you do your thing. I am not in this worldto live up to your expectationsand you are not in this worldto live up to mine. You are you and I am I. And if by chancewe find each other,it’s beautiful. If not it can’t be helped.
The good thing about being yourself—unless your self is a total jerk—is that the people you attract as friends will be true friends who know and like the true you. And hey if you are a total jerk it’s truth in packaging and a fair warning that will keep everyone but fellow jerks at bay.
That said people who generally act as pretzels can sometimes take on jerkish qualities when they overcompensate for their usual pretzelness. There’s a balance in there somewhere that comes down to being a decent human being without being a doormat. Don’t overthink how people might react to something but don’t become the kind of person you don’t like by giving yourself license to say or do just anything.
And finally regarding Mr. Nelson’s line “ya can’t please everyone. So ya got to please yourself”: I think it’s not just about doing what you damned well please—it’s really about being pleased with yourself. Being comfortable in your own skin is the most important step in being happy in the world. If you can do that if you can like yourself you will just naturally be the kind of person other people like without turning yourself into a pretzel.
94stranger: Yes…you are so right. Those messages get embedded and take on a life of their own. But I’m a big believer in the idea that once we become aware we can choose to adjust our actions so that hopefully the next generation will have a few more passed on embedded messages such as”I trust you” “Your instincts are good” or simply “You are cool and I love you exactly as you are!”
45daysofhell: I’m all for the happy medium. Good luck on your journey. Each person has to find the path that works for them. Hmmm…I’ve cut out dating booze and sex for years but it wasn’t anything I set out to do. Just happened. (-;
Terry B: LOL. The nice thing is that even total jerks can find each other and be happy! Just play nice around me. I gotta say that I happen to know Terry B and he is the original poster child for just being yourself. And he is a dear loving friend. You can be both.
Glad you expanded on the idea about pleasing oneself not being a license to run roughshod over people - it’s just being comfortable in one’s own skin. Still helps to be a nice person - just not to beat yourself up if you accidentally say something that gets taken the wrong way or if you can’t figure out the perfect solution that pleases everyone.
Nice to see you Ruby! These words were absolutely perfect. I’m sure you and I have many similar thoughts and feelings despite what on the outside might seem like very different lives and interests. I think there’s a core inside us that links to others and hears the real words we might not even be able to say - nor need to say. So many times the words that come out of my mouth fall far short of what I wanted to say. Those who love us get that. Those who don’t…well you know the rest. (-;
Hi little indian! Nice to see you. FYI…I’m on modified sabbatical meaning I blog once in a while but have cut way back on visits and comments just so I can get a breather. I do sneak into read your blog and others though even if I don’t leave footprints.
Jonathan Livingston Seagull? Read it when I was in college when it first came out. Remembered it being very inspiring back then. One of the books that may have even influenced the very free flight of certain times in my life. As for pretzeling…almost everyone I know does it to some extent - especially women. Twisting our brains and actions around to please others to the point where our own voices and needs take a back seat.
And of course that all gets mixed up with the very lovely need to be giving to others. How to balance that without twisting or losing ourselves in the process is the trick. Different times in my life have been more pretzelific - some time massive twisting other times I flew. Even if you know who you are it’s still easy to pretzel. I was using this post as a reminder for myself and maybe others who are similarly…uh…twisted. (-;
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Related article:
http://outofmyhead.wordpress.com/2007/09/12/i-declare-a-pretzel-free-day/
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